Monday, February 15, 2016

Working, Traveling, Guilty Mama

It's Monday morning and I have a little guilt to let out...

I'm sitting at the Dallas Love Field airport waiting for my flight to Austin. All I can think about is how this morning I kissed my baby goodbye and I won't be able to kiss her again for two days. TWO DAYS. I know what I signed up for when Brad and I decided to move to Dallas for me to take this job - but did I really know? Did I really know how I was going to feel the first time I left her? I remember being conflicted and telling a friend how it was so hard to make a decision that was going to impact a child I have never met before. She was still growing and kicking in my belly when we planned our move 4 states away. That same friend reminded me that as parents, we are continuously making decisions for those children and doing the best that we can do for our family - while those children are still growing, we don't know the people they are going to be.

I love the job, I really do. I was assigned my first project and I am getting plenty of time and flexibility to adjust to our new life. I am very appreciative. I am positive that the "transition phase" that I am currently in at work helps to ease my guilty, working mama conscious. It helps me take life one day at a time and focus on my growing baby (oh is she growing!). But it doesn't make the guilt go away.

I planned this Austin trip to be as short as possible and still productive. I tried my best to balance my home life and my work life without either suffering - because life is about BALANCE, right? That's what they keep telling me.

I know she is in great hands with Brad. She loves her daddy just as much as I do and I know because I can see it in her face. She is always smiling at him and baby-talking.

It doesn't help my guilt that she is currently fighting daycare cold #2 and having trouble sleeping at night due to the congestion. She's not quite herself when she is sick and its much harder for only one parent to take care of her. When I planned the trip, she wasn't sick! But life happens and we are just doing the best that we can to get through.

It's just two days - I can survive. I'm sure they will be fine, it's just my heart that's a little soft and mushy this morning.

Guilty Mama